I'm back!

Sorry Cosmopolitan Clevelander (my one reader), true to form, I got lazy and stopped posting for five months. I'm glad I took my hiatus after the robot post, because that's not the nerdiest thing ever...( I don't own a 20-sided dice, I swear).

What happens now? Keep checking back, because I will be posting things that do not involve love, relationships, rainbows or the color pink, because that's not the kind of girl I am. I will, however, be posting things that are dirty, wrong, inappropriate and, hopefully, offensive.

Now, who wants to take a nap in the work bathroom?!

Caveat: That offer only stands if the woman who pumps her breast on a chair outside the stalls is not there.

Robot Survival Guide

I am not a nerd in the traditional sense. I don’t love Star Trek, play Magic or have a master-level wizard avatar in WoW. However, the flat-assed little Asian boy who lives inside me is a nerd. And he likes robots.

Recently, I’ve been gravitating towards news about technology. I find advances in science, space and robotics to be particularly interesting, because, I, like Sarah Conner, truly believe that I will one day live in a world full of Terminators… and/or Robocops.

If this CNN article is true (and I desperately believe in mad scientists), humans will merge with technology, and we will potentially “live forever.” But, will our human emotions and human consciousness remain intact? Will we eventually lose our humanity? Or in a slightly terrifying twist, will a computer one day gain a human consciousness and take over the world? To answer that question, I must look to the only reliable source of truth. Pop Culture.

My love of robots started with a sweet 80s movie called “Short Circuit.” Though, this movie is painfully bad, I blame that mostly on Steve Guttenberg, and not my little friend Johnny 5. This lovable robot taught me to empathize with and love a machine. (No, CosmopolitanClevelander, vibrators don’t count). But seriously, robots like Johnny 5 are endearing and friendly, much like my yellow radio shack robot bank, and my favorite coworker, Kirby 2.0.

These are not Terminators, and they are not trying to eat your soul. They are companions, and could possibly eradicate the loneliness of cat ladies the world over.

Other humanoid/cyborg/robots, such as Data, just suck. They're not dangerous like a rombie, but they aren't cute like Kota, the robotic Triceratops. And unfortunately, even if Data gets a humor upgrade or a personality chip, he will still suck, because he can never get what he really needs, which is an acting chip. And male genitalia.

I think, in this increasingly bionic world, it is essential to do the one thing robots can't, which is feel. Though, if you are like me, and your emotional landscape is desolate, I suggest you make friends with as many robots as possible. Otherwise, your only option may be to "get your ass to Mars."

'Get Over Yourself'

I get it. Blogging is for self-indulgent, self-righteous, ego-centric "writers," who think their opinion counts. I think to some degree this is true (of myself at least), but I also think bloggers have a tendency towards sadomasochism -- and definitely exhibitionism. And I mean this -- for once -- in the least sexual sense possible.

Friends (or maybe just my friends) will make fun of you until you cry -- or pee your pants, whichever comes first-- for having a blog. But for bloggers, not even a verbal golden shower will keep them from flaunting their raw, naked thoughts for all the Web to see. This is sadomasochistic exhibitionism prose at its finest, and I am proud to join these literary perverts for my first post. It is simultaneously freeing and binding, exalting and humiliating to just put it all out there.

So in the words of my very good friend, "Get over yourself, Allison."

Except, this time, I think I'm about to get really, really into myself....and I hope you come along for the ride.